"yer goin' ta jersey?"
oh god. the jersey tramp wants to speak with me.
c: "what? no. - SYD-ney - .. ."
im not hear to speak with you, woman. im here to drink.
jt: "sydney?"
what'd i just -
c: "yeah."
jt: ".. :) .."
c:" uh..australia?"
oh fuck. now shes going to want to talk about it. im digging myself in here.
jt: "ohhh - how interesting! well, im going to jersey."
oh, realllly? i -
bmfamf: "sydney? that ain't australia."
christ, where'd this big mother fucking australian motherfucker come from? i didnt even see him pull up to the bar.
bmfamf: "sydney may as well be in England. its justlike any other city. ozzie's in the bush, mate"
holy shit, did he really just say that? wheres his Knife?
c:"wheres your Knife, mate?"
bmfamf: "wot?"

--

that was my first interaction with a real live australian on this trip, at LAX, before my flight. and its only gotten better since ive touched down. but it was a good start.

the bmfamf's official name is Peter. he was a huge, 50 something fella, with pink,cancerously freckled skin. he worked in industrial engineering and construction, and was apparently an accomplished drinker. his tone and opinion i soon found to be typical of many white australians.

some memorable qoutes:
with regards to my budget:
"yeah ozzies more 'spensive than south east asia. all you gotta do tho is get you a sheila with some money tho - she'll pay your board. i reckon you dont mind time with older ladies, hey mate?"

with regards to muslims:
"i was in malaysia when 'iss coont's (he points to TV where george w. bush is speaking) father was boombin 'em the first fackin' toym. malaysians - disgustin fackin people. they were pissin'em selves silly. we shoulda just razed the whole fackin neighborhood the first toym, ah reckon. those people - they only understand violence. its their language."

with regards to aboriginal australians:
"Abos. troublemakers. in the city at least. the abos in the bush -good fackin people. they hunt and fish and are happy, they do what they want and what makes them happy. but the ones in the city.. all drunks, all troublemakers. social security - they love it."

with regards to the small framed thai prostitute with whom he had sex in Thailand:
"42 kilos.. ohhhhhhh, mate.. she was only 42 keeelos.. . thats, em, about 97 pounds mate.."

needless to say, i got Peter's email address immediately. he's supposed to be in southern Thailand when i am, and aside from his overpowering racism and sexism, he is a wonderful person. his bigotry is actually very entertaining.

--

pete was a good intro to this place. ive been spending a lot of time talking to these people, and i am now pretty sure that the "put a shrimp on the barbie" stereotype of the down under cowboy isnt entirely untrue. it's mainly on point, its just a lot more complicated. the heavy fruits of my careful observation and scrupulous analysis can be boiled down to several basic and self-evident facts:

1.
just like our cowboys, these fellas are a little bit xenophobic.
scratch that - these boys are racist as fuck.
Mr. Dundee somehow forgot to mention that australia had an immigration policy called "White Australia" until 1974. noone other than Western Europeans were allowed to settle in this country. a little flyer with historical information on the continent casually mentioned that australia had recently officially changed australia from "terra nullius" prior to discovery to ..mmrm terra-something-else-which-means-inhabited.
AKA - it was only several years ago that the government officially recognized the fact that this island was actually inhabited.. by other human beings.. when they showed up.
scandals involving a long lived (RIP - 1988) govenrment policy which aimed to "fully assimilate" 'abos by destroying cultural landmarks and banning rituals still hit the papers.
(by-the-way: the only black people i ever see are either Kenyan, or simultaneously sucking on boxes of wine and pissing themselves.)

2.
penal colony?? these people are descended from fucking criminals! spawn of Prisoners Of Mother England! liars, murderers, forgers, theives, loiterers, the infirm - you can see it in their bowlegs, hunched backs, and closely spaced eyes. god save me from these mongrels..

3.
australia was a colony of england. therefore, the policies mentioned above parallel those of other former english colonies - like the US, like ..Palestine.. so does the national history.
these people showed up and met the locals. they took the good land from the locals, because they could, and you cant really blame them, given the circumstances. when the locals didnt like that, they put the locals heads on stakes around the main harbor. later on, they built a large opera house there. the locals got small-poxxed up and drunk. the new people put them into "reserves". to get out of the reserves, you could.. meet with missionaries. .. the locals died, became alcoholics, or found god and then became alcoholics.
sound familiar?

3.259
and these people have the balls to talk shit about America's race issues?? chant "one..two..three..four.. we dont want this racist war" at their anti US-led-invasion-of-iraq rallies? fuck them! they need toquiet down! didnt they see pics of the MOAB?

3.3
whats most striking is the country's very visable struggle to make itself something other than a colony -a legitimate nation-state, and to separate itself from the mother country, england. they had the Olympic games here recently.. they built a MASSIVE arena park for it, over-spending massively as well.. they commemorate the damndest little minutia with national holidays.. like the building of a large bridge.. or a specific -relatively- insignificant battle.. because they have no other history really..

4.
piggybacking on the previous observations - the food here is identical to english food. its shit. these people like meat pies. meat pies!! a lot. just like the fucking english. the food here is shit! even the chinese and vietnamese food had been corrupted to suite the bland ozzie taste..

4.5
the english eat "Marmite". it is a industrial by-product. of beer. it is yeast-culture feces. some enterprising brit figured out that you could sell this to other britons, convincing them that it was good on toast with tea.
the australians eat "Vegemite". it is an industrial by-product. of beer. it is yeast-culture feces. some enterprising American named Kraft figured out that you could sell this to Ozzies, convincing them that it was good on toast with tea.

conclusion:
genocidal shit-eating hypocritical english rednecks.

more on this later.