..

years ago i played a game with my old dog, Cara.

i broke a stick in half, and threw half of it for the dog to run and catch. after i threw it, i ran after the stick at the same time as my dog, with the other half hidden behind my back. just as Cara got to the stick, I threw the other half from behind my back to a spot about a meter from the first half. the existence of two sticks at the same time burst the mind of the poor dog, who helplessly stared from one to the other trying to decide which one was the right stick. the dog just sat down between them, looking from one stick to the other, and then at me with the most amazed look on its face, unable to comprehend the meaning of the situation. one can only speculate so much on dog thoughts, but it is clear that it had no idea what to do, or how this had occured. how could, it seemed to wonder, two sticks exist at once? where did this other stick come from? what invisible force..??

Cara sat there wagging her tail, happy but confused, looking from one stick to the other.

i smiled.

Cara barked.

..



it's happened too many times for me not to notice. and here it is again in front of me, at the end of one of the longest days, smiling at me.

i woke up some 96 hours ago on the floor of a japanese childrens school in the countryside of a city whose name i never thought i'd know, in a country i never thought id live in, saying goodbye to people who i could never imagine id talk to, much less call my friends, much less my good friends. people who grew up so far from me, at such different times, reading such different textbooks, looking at such different trees.
i woke up and started a process that now seems like just another hashish dream: of saying goodbye, of lying in bed and not sleeping, of standing up and walking out of my japanese older brother's apartment and saying goodbye to him, then saying goodbye to a real love in a real airport, of 14 hours over siberia to amsterdam, then on to spain, of walking around madrid drunk and alone as the sun came up over 300 black cathedrels, of another plane over the desert and into africa into the desert and into, into..

".. let me take you into your new apartment Mr. Ozturk." says the arab girl with the many golden rings.
"OK." I say unslept, broken.
"This is room. Kitchen here. Bathroom here. Bedroom heeeere. And living room."
"Nice. Very nice. Great. Please, I need to sleep. I'm going to die. Can I do the paperwork tomorrow?"
"This no problem, tomorrow, fine." she says, waving her golden rings.
"Thank you."
"You like Chinese couch in living room?"
I look at the couch.
"Chinese?" says the half turk, staring at the couch. "So ka na.."**
"Eh?"

Happy, confused, I looking from one letter to the other.

"Sookana."
"Goodbye Mr. Ozturk" says the arab girl, shaking her head, her black curls swinging.


Something smiled.
And I could have barked. But instead, I just shut my eyes and cried, smiling too.

..
i miss you all, motherfuckers.
cem


**??? or "so ka na" is japanese for "I wonder if it is so"