mid july
chiang mai, thailand

the light blue flourescent bulb behind me set in a wall fixture garishly cut out in a rough triangular shape that has an appropriate and official geometric name but for the sake of this text will be described as a "speed metal guitar shape" - flickered -

i sat typeing in an internet cafe, flickering lights around me, again and as usual some lengthy and winding message about all the Fun im having here in the Lanna capitol, careful to exclude the hours spent in my apartment lying on my stomach, despondant, clutching an empty box of Vitamilk trying to answer my blank white walls why - why

i got the apartment in the first place, what the fuck im doing in Chiang Mai during the rainy season and not Cairo during the burning season - what the plan is, fool, what ..is the plan - and the only answer i have isnt an answer it is a now only spectral image of a beautiful girl, folded next to me -

and a similar hallucination of my friend sean, cigarette hanging from his mouth and drunk dim eyes, pointing, slurring "never for a woman fool never for a -"

"HI!"

i am pulled out of thought by a girl at the terminal next to me. a very very bookish looking thai girl in baggy clothes, glasses and dirty sneakers. in the states i would describe her as "frumpy" but i dont think that the word works here. i dont know what to call her. she had smart eyes. i think.

"uh.. hi"
"you speak thai language?"
"a little"
"ohhh.. uhhh why you come ..chiang mai?"
"really, im not sure right now."
"what?
"i am a tourist, hill tribes and trekking."

i got back to work, using my time online to look up the kind of obscure nonsense i find comforting. just as i was getting into a good working definition of
mindflayer, the server cut, giving us several minutes of empty air. we were forced into conversation-

of which i will spare you for the most part. she was a student at Chiang Mai University, studying politics and what sounded like cultural studies or anthropology. she seemed smart, and shy, and incredibly curious about what i had to say. she wanted to know about the middle east and NYC mostly, and listened attentively, nodding furiously as i told her as clearly as i could about young people and democracy in Iran, and Greys Papaya hot dogs in NYC. i was somehow sure she would never get the chance to go to NY. at this point, lonely as i was, i was more than happy to have someone to talk at and something to get my mind off of the beautiful girl not folded-

"ohh intanet back on!"
"yeah. it was-"
"so you have girlfriend?"
"no - i - dont know.."
"you have?"
"no."
"oh? you like alcohol?"
"oh yes."
"drink alcohol?"
"yes"
"you and I drink alcohol?"

i took a moment to think about this. she seemed interesting. wholly unattractive to me, yes, but we werent talking on that level, despite the girlfriend question, which was just formal patter, we were talking about .. intellectual.. stuff.. it was a saturday night, just another night for me - but she was in college on a sat. night and she was alone in an internet cafe goddamnit, and you know what - IM going to be a good person and have a good time with this truely good person who hasnt quite blossomed yet and for some reason is stuck with this insecurity and hopefully, hopefully our short friendship will have some effect on her and ive been there, ackward and alone on a sat night and GODDAMNIT IM GOING TO HELP SOMEBODY-

"sure. where do you want to meet?"
"we meet at the 7-11"
"ok - hey what are you looking at online there?"
"this the gay Thai man. i like look."
"um. .oh."
"you not gay!"
"no."
"ok."

-

an hour later in front of the 7-11, she hops on back of my motorbike. im feeling like a truly nice guy, like that cool older cousin or brother in law who takes you under his wing and out for a night with hi-

"you very handsome!"
-ohfuck-

the girl with the dirty sneakers, the baggy pants, the greasy hair, is on the back of my bike and has just used the one word i fear and hear most from Thai women. when walking by Thai butterfly (=bar-girl=freelance prostitute) bars all foreign men, from massive robotic nords to squirmy japanese salarymen hear the ubiquitous shrill choruses "hello handsome man!", "hello handome!"

the girl with the dirty sneakers, the baggy pants, the greasy hair is reaching around my waist for the ride - something totally unnescessary on a honda dream. i smell whisky. i feel her breath on my shoulder, her jaw against my back as she nustles into my back.

-ohhhfuck-