Bangkok
Mid May


"one shop and reclining buddha and you girl!"
this motherfucker..
c: "say what?"
tmf: "one shop suit - oh! - (he swerves to avoid a massive pothole almost as big as the tuk-tuk), buddha and you and then girls (he jams his index finger into a small hole in the dashboard where some im hoping unimportant gauge used to be, and pumps it a bit) oh!oh!oh! big farang! hahahaa!"
c: "eh.."

the night traffic blurred past me as i sat back, unsure how to react to the broken remark that my Tuk-tuk (Tuks are small thai style taxis. vintage looking, 60s lines. 3 wheels and an obnoxious 2-stroke japanese engine that makes a sound like... ) driver just made, which implied my penis was way bigger than his, and most asian mens'. i had no beef with that observation, but he had become uncomfortably open with me since i decided to go in with him on the scam.

tmf: "haahahahaa - we go place where no farang, this one for only Japanese! look look!"

he passed back a purple glossy flier folded several times over. still warm from being in his back pocket, i peeled it open. it was in thai and japanese, with a couple key phrases in english like "girls", "WOMENS", "massage". on one side, two painfully gorgeous women, rather - nymphettes, rather - teenagers with taught bodies and light chinese complexions, were covered in soap-suds. they were scrubbing down a masked (probably not frowning) man of asian descent with -

c: "the only scrubbing pads god gave them.."
tmf: "wha? you want beer, we almost to shop! okok, no problem"
c: "wait- no i .. fuck."

he parked and jumped out of the tuk, running into a nearby shop to buy beer. to my grim surprise, he bought two 32 ounce Changs. i had developed a nasty habit of getting anyone who was to be driving me around the developing world extremely drunk, and i was hoping to avoid enduring inspired "shortcuts" tonight.

tmf: "chok dee!"
c: "cheers"

as my driver quickly drained his lunch and dinner from the bottle, we discussed the plan in broken english and wildly elaborate gesticulation. my fare for the entire afternoon and approaching night would be free of charge. this would be due to the fact that i had proposed to allow myself to be taken to several silk shops and tailor shops to act as if i wanted to buy something. these shops rewarded Tuk-Tuk drivers who brought/coerced tourists to their shops by giving them coupons for gasoline - each coupon was worth about 80 baht, or two dollars. the only rule was that i HAD to stay in the shop for a minimium of 10 minutes - a second less and the coupon was not issued. i did not have to buy a thing - i simply had to convince the shopkeper i was genuinely interested, and then find a way out without giving away the scam.

tmf: "nooo problem!"
a now drunk cem: "nooo problem!"
tmf: "then we to girl"
andc: "sluts!"


to be continued..